I WANT TO GET SOME REST BUT AT THE SAME TIME I STILL LOVE YOU

Don't know why these few days i keep thinking about you, maybe is because i have nothing to do, so my mind wanna bring back those memories to me. I rather choose to make myself busy rather than thinking of you, cos i know when i start to do it, i will send some stupid messages to you. And it will make you getting far far away from me. Breaking up with you was like a nightmare for me. I wish that i can wake up and everything will be fine again. But somehow it doesn't happen like what i wish to be. During these few days, after been talking to some friends, i had made a decision and i will stick to it. " YOU WILL BE MY ONLY ONE AND YOU WILL BE THE QUEEN OF MY HEART FOREVER. IN MY HEART, YOU STILL IS MY LOVER, I DON'T CARE HOW YOU GONNA FORCE ME, I WILL STICK ON MY DECISION, YOU STILL IS MY LOVER FROM LAST TIME TILL NOW!!"

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I started feeling sick and tired with my life here. Seems like there is no hope and direction. Is it breaking up with you really change me a lot?? I don't have any idea. I just wish that i can go somewhere and start my life again. I don't want to be an actress anymore. I don't want to have 2 different people in me. I want you to know,only want to talk and share everything to you, but will you give me a chance to talk?? I HATE MYSELF, I HATE MY LIFE! I WISH I CAN WALK AWAY AND LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND. Do you know how suffer i am? Need to pretend/ act differently from what im feeling now just to hide my real feeling? Be honest, there is no one in this world that know exactly what im thinking, understand most of my particular, attitude and so on. I hope there is someone, that someone is you, but i guess you already throw everything out of your mind....................................................................

8TH OF JULY

8th of July...

It should be our 11 months anniversary if we didn't broke up. I don't know you still care about this date or not, but for me it still very important although we are not couple anymore. Last sunday (5th of july) is the 11 months we know each other. Don't know you still remember how we get to know each other. There are so many things that i wanna tell you, but i know you are not interested to hear it. A day without your call, your message, your laughter and everything about you was like living in an empty world. I missed the time when we talk on the phone, missed the time i called you and ask what should i eat, missed the time you worry about me when im hurt / sick, missed the time you feed me eat medicine, miss to hug you, miss to walk at the beach while holding your hand, missed the time we went out together, missed the moment i gave you that very special things in SG. Wang, missed the time we celebrate some special occasions together and i missed everything that we had gone through together.

Eventhough you had rejected me, it won't stop me from loving you. I'll wait for you. Say me crazy, say me stubborn, say me stupid, just say me whatever you want, it doesn't matter. Because this is my decision. I choose to be stupid, to be crazy, to be blind, to be everything because I LOVE YOU. There is only you in my heart. Thanks for hurting me so badly, coz it teach me a lot of things. Teach me the meaning of LOVE, APPRECIATION, DETERMINATION and so on. Im trying to change myself for a better life, and of cause is because of you too although i know you might not come back to me no matter how i change. I'm sorry for hurting you too. I know i'm not as good as your current lover ( I know who is that person ). But i hope you will appreciate those things that i had done for you.

P/S : Im sorry for breaking my promise. I don't know how to tell you my feeling, so blog is the only ways for me to tell you everything. Although it was quite late, but at least i'll feel better after writing it down.